Holidays, like our attitudes to everything, need to be adapted.  A holiday is not just about food, drink and casual sex. All of these activities are likely to lead to relapse. Unfortunately you can’t take a break from your recovery and eat whatever you want without being triggered. Alcohol can act as a trigger but it also lowers your ability to remain in control so you are more likely to binge eat.

Key to success

• Plan ahead. Don’t leave things to chance. Decide what food you will eat so that you don’t eat impulsivey.
• Ask yourself whether alcohol leads you to binge eating. If it does then make a decision about whether it is worth relapsing over one night of drinking
• Offer to take food with you that you know is “safe” food for you.
• Commit your food to someone who understands your binge eating. Accountability helps us stay on track
• Have one plate of food only, not second, thirds and more
• Don’t have a fling at the Christmas Office party if it will be something you will later binge eat over!
• Remember that a holiday is about enjoying yourself, not about having a thousand regrets

Photo by Jack Spelling Bacon

The connection to binge eating

Most binge eaters fight with their past. They have things that have happened to them which haunt their lives. Secrets are kept that they feel totally ashamed of. Many of these secrets are about taboo subjects like their sex lives, love affairs or unplanned pregnancies. Instead of dealing with the effects of the affair, binge eaters use food to suppress these feelings. The trouble is this often turns into a long-term solution which continues for many years.

Photo by Jim Linwood

Are you having an affair now?

This book is an excellent source of practical information that will help you to see your life and the role the affair is playing. Rather than telling you to stop the affair, it gently helps you to make decisions about which relationship is right for you. Sometimes this might mean that neither relationship is right. Rather than view the affair from a sense of passion, you are encouraged to look from all angles to see what future you want. As the book unfolds you will begin to understand why your relationship with your spouse is not working, so that you can decide what to do.

Have you had an affair?

Do you want to understand what happened so that you can make peace with your past. Do you feel that you are a bad person because you stepped out of your marital boundaries? This will book will show you what led to the affair, what needs were missing and that good people really do have affairs. Are you ready to let go of the past now?

Have you been affected by an affair?

Are you angry and perplexed about why the affair happened? This book will help you piece together what really happened. Affairs don’t just come out of the blue, they happen because a relationship is not being fulfilled. Both people in the marriage play a part. If you are the spouse perhaps you are ready to look at the part you played?

Photo by Emdot

Main topics covered

• Getting beyond the guilt
• 17 different kinds of affairs
• Choosing who is right
• Children
• Breaking up
• Healing the past
• Building a new future
• Divorce

About the author

Mira Kirshenbaum is a world renowned therapist who has treated thousands of men and women touched by an affair. She works at the Chestnut Hill Institute. She is married to Dr Charles Foster who heads the research team at the Chestnut Hill Institute and co writes all her books.

Overall Impression

I would highly recommend this book. Definitely worth reading as there is so much to learn. Provides case histories as well as a step by step approach to help you make different decisions. You don’t need to read any other books on the subject.

Book details

When good people have affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum
St Martin’s Press 2008

ISBN – 13: 978-0-312-37847-9

ISBN – 10: 0-312-37847-5

Order book

Being creative helps you to:-

• Express yourself through your creations
• Gives you quality time to focus on something you enjoy
• Allows you to relax

But I’m not creative

The beauty of using sewing kits like the ones Bucilla make is that you don’t need to have previous skills.  All you need is to be able to thread a needle and follow instructions. Each felt piece is numbered and the sequins are marked on the felt with a dot. You literally sew the sequins in place and then stitch the felt pieces together. However the end result is fabulous.

Time is limited

Whether you have ten minutes to spare or several hours, you can pick up the sewing, do a small amount and then return to it days later without losing track of where you are.

Making Changes

Emotional exhaustion – You will be amazed at the level of exhaustion you can feel when you are undergoing life changing events. It’s so important that you balance it out with some relaxation times too.  Spend at least 30 minutes per day doing something that you enjoy.

Achievements – Do you have a strong need to feel that you are achieving something? If so this is a great ways of achieving something at the same time as relaxing.

Get creative – Expressing who you are is really important when you are in self discovery mode. Have you spent years doing what pleases other people and not yourself? If so it’s time to develop a creative side that reflect who you want to be. If you have never explored your creative side, then this is a great way to do so.

If you don’t want to start with a big project, why not start with some Christmas tree decorations to see whether you enjoy this type of creative work. I’ve had so much pleasure over the years sewing all sorts of Christmas decorations and tree skirts, which have also made lovely presents.  Each of the photos show my latest Christmas tree skirt that I am busy sewing. What a great way to be creative and have a lasting memory.

Why do you tell lies?

To make yourself look better – Are you trying to impress someone by telling them you have a better job, have more money or have a lavish lifestyle? I wonder whether you will really impress them when they discover the truth. Why do you have to try to be something that you are not?

To get something from someone – are you doing it to gain something financial, some favour, a job or a possession like drugs? When you are discovered that person will realise that they have been used. They may also warn everyone else around them, and your network will soon shrink.

To cover shame – Have you done something now or in your past that you are terribly ashamed of? Perhaps you have been promiscuous, gambled away your life savings or committed a crime. If you lie on a job application form the chances are that you will be discovered as most places do CRB checks. If you marry someone and they discover that you have been a prostitute, how do you think they will view the information now?

Fear of consequences – Are you avoiding the truth because you are frightened what will happen if the truth comes out. Will the consequences be even greater if your lies are found out?

Photo by Azrainman

Do you lie by deception?

Sometimes lying comes in the form of what you don’t say rather than what you do say. Many people lie in this way. They will deflect a topic so they do not have to disclose information asked for. Common ones are:-

• Who ate the chocolate
• Cost of purchases
• Amount of alcohol consumed
• Which friend’s house they went to
• Who they were speaking to on the phone
• Where they went

Compulsive Lying

Compulsive Lying can be seen as part of mental health disorders like Antisocial Personality Disorder, Bipolar depression and Conduct Disorder.

A compulsive liar is someone who lies with ease and finds comfort in it. The person will fib about everything and anything with no conscience whatsoever. Lying has become an addiction, and the person doesn’t even think about the lies he or she tells. The person will even continue to lie if you present the truth in cold hard facts. Getting a person to admit he or she lied is almost impossible.

Photo by Kkimpel

The benefits of being honest

Trust – when you always tell the truth, you will gain trust from other people. They will be able to rely upon you, even when you do things you are not proud of, you will tell them.

Respect – both self-respect and respect from others will be earned as a result of your honesty

Role model – You will be an excellent role model for your family, friends and children. By being an example of being honest rather than talking about it and doing something different, you will become a great example for others to follow.

Accepting responsibility – by being honest, you are also accepting responsibility for your actions and therefore also accepting the consequences. Sometimes these may be in major aspects of your life, like having an affair or making a major mistake at work. In the end people will respect you for your honesty.

Are you ready to start telling the truth at all times? It isn’t always easy but the rewards are fantastic. Each day I review whether I have been dishonest about anything ….. and I love the fact that I can say NO, NO, NO day after day.

What others say

• Does more than one person comment on your level of exercise?
• Have you been told by a Doctor / Counsellor / Nurse that your exercise levels are too high or too low?
• Do your children make comments?
• Are family members fed up of having to put life on hold due to your exercise commitments?

If one person makes a comment then perhaps that is just their view, however if several people all say the same thing then the chances are that you have an issue with exercise that other people can clearly see.

Photo by Randy Son of Robert

Too Little Exercise

• Do you drive everywhere no matter how close the place you are going to?
• Do you grumble if anyone suggests doing a small amount of exercise like a gentle walk?
• Do you spend hours on end sitting at a desk or watching the TV?
• Do you ask people to fetch things for you?
• When was the last time you went for a walk, rode a bike, went swimming or played a game of golf?
• Could you honestly say you do 20 minutes of exercise three times per week?

Healthy exercise is really important to help you in your recovery from binge eating. Exercise improves your mood, blood sugar and assists weight loss. It also gives you time to think.

Too much exercise

• Do you HAVE to exercise every day regardless of what is happening in life?
• Do you plan your day around your exercise?
• Would you join in social activities if it clashed with your exercise or would your exercise always win?
• Have your periods stopped because of the amount of exercise you are doing?
• Are you suffering from exercise related injuries?
• Do you work in an industry related to exercise?
• Do you exercise to compensate for your binge eating?

These are some of the warning signs that exercise is taking over your life. Many people are unaware that you can have exercise bulimia. Excessive exercise can seriously damage your health so please listen if several people are making comments about the amount of exercise you take.

Photo by DVIDSHUB

Healthy exercise

• You exercise for moderate periods of time (less than an hour) on a few days a week.
• You can miss your exercise without feeling resentful or that today will be miserable
• You don’t obsess about when you will next exercise
• You follow medical advice and rest when injured or ill
• Your exercise regime is not altered by the amount you binge eat.

Most people who exercise excessively will tell you that they exercise normally. Can you honestly answer these questions and believe the results or will you continue denying the truth about your exercise? It is all about achieving balance.

Photo by Lululemon Athletica

Many changes you can make instantly, so there is no need to find a list of excuses as to why you can’t change your look. Of course there are other changes like weight loss which will take time to accomplish, however you can still wear clothes that are more flattering.

Photo by Glen’s pics

A new hair style

There are lots of things you can do to change the way you look. Spend a bit of money going to a hairdressers who will give you a complete new look. Things you can do to change your appearance are:-

• Change the length of your hair
• Add layers to give it a fuller look
• Highlights – if you tie your hair up you may want to have a full head done so it looks natural
• Dye your hair to cover grey or brighten up you hair

Pamper yourself

Have a day at the beauty salon. Treat yourself to a manicure or pedicure. There’s nothing like painted nails or false nails to alter your appearance. They also make you feel good about yourself. You can choose from some wonderful colours and designs today. There’s no need to stick with the same colour you wore 20 years ago.

Make up

One thing that dates people more than ever is to stick with the same make up decade after decade. If you are not sure whether a cosmetic item is still in fashion, go a long to a department store and talk with a cosmetic sales assistant. They will also give you a free make up session to show you what is in style. There are some great make up items like long-lasting eye shadow that lasts from morning til night, which is great for busy people.

Photo by Dreamglow

Fashion style

Go through your wardrobe and get rid of any clothes you haven’t worn over the last year.  The only exception to this is classic clothes that are worn for special occasions as these never date. If you have no idea what clothes are in fashion then go to a big department store and ask one of the assistants to help you update your image.  House of Colour can give you expert advice on what colours suit you along with styles for different occasions.  Make sure that you have some brighter colour clothes in your wardrobe too.

So don’t wait for some day in the future or for when you have reached your target weight – start today by refreshing your look. You will feel so much better, your self-esteem will increase and you will wonder why it has taken you so long to change your image.

If you are in recovery from an eating disorder or addiction, change is the one thing that you will have to learn to do if you are to find recovery. I have used this exercise with most of my clients at some stage of their recovery journey. You can’t recover if you are not prepared to change. That applies to all habits as Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Some of the changes will be major, while others will be smaller. Resisting changes will only make it a much harder struggle than it has to be.

Why change can be difficult

• Fear – this is one of the most common reasons. Are you afraid of the unknown; terrified you might be proved wrong or scared that you may actually be successful in your goals?

• Denial – if you can’t accept that you have a real problem that needs to be addressed, then you will remain resistant to change regardless of what others say. If several people are saying the same thing, then perhaps it is time to listen.

• Overwhelmed – do the changes seem too huge to tackle so rather than have a go, you quit? The best way to overcome being overwhelmed is to set one small goal. When you achieve it and feel comfortable, then set the next and so on. Remember it’s baby steps.

• Overcome – do you know the changes that you need to make but don’t know where to start? Start anywhere that seems reasonable. After all doing nothing is unlikely to lead to change.
  

  

Photo by Anyjazz65

How to succeed

If you are determined to succeed you will need to push through the hard times when you feel uncomfortable with the new behaviours. Initially change can feel very strange, but it doesn’t take long before it begins to feel normal.

Here are some top tips:-

1. Be positive in your approach, using positive affirmations to counteract negative thinking
2. Talk with other people who have already made these changes in their life
3. Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen if you change. This helps you to put your fears into perspective

Making change fun

I always like to introduce a bit of fun when I suggest homework activities. The Yes / No exercise is one that is designed to encourage you to practice changing your behaviour for just one day. You get to choose the level of the change you are prepared to do. Some people will make small changes others will make large ones. The more challenging the change you choose, the more prepared you will be for the changes that you will have to make in order to stop your habits.

How to do the exercise

• Day 1 – say Yes to something you would always say No to
• Day 2 – say No to something you would always say Yes to
• Day 3 – 8 continue repeating Days 1 & 2

Examples

• Get up 1 hour earlier than you would normally
• Leave the dishes for an hour, if you always clear them away
• Dress up / down for the day when you normally wouldn’t
• Leave your bed unmade
• Phone someone you wouldn’t normally phone
• Wear unusually bright coloured clothes, nail varnish, make up

Photo by Dogbomb

Whenever I suggest these type of exercises you can guarantee that I have always done them myself. This was an exercise that was given during a training class.  I went in old gardening clothes and no make up on. I felt incredibly uncomfortable at times as I travelled through London at rush hour with all the smartly dressed commuters! When I arrived the lecturer asked me what I had done. I stood with my mouth open as I thought everyone could see I was dressed in jeans and not smart clothes! Her reply was that she would never have even realised. Here is an example of what others did:-

• One man painted his finger nails black
• Another man wore a smart suit with odd coloured shoes:- black and tan!
• One lady dressed as though she was going to a ball
• Others left their house a tip when it would always be spotless

Uncomfortable feelings

This exercise can cause anxiety depending upon the level of change you have made. The bigger the change the more this exercise will prepare you for the changes that lie ahead. Why not have a go this week and don’t forget to tell me all about it.

So if you want to change, then what are you waiting for? Change is essential in life and nothing will ever change this fact. So why not add a bit of fun as you learn to experience what change feels like.

You can journal:-

Anywhere

Any how

Any time

Photo by Carolina Gonzalez

Why journalling works

Instant - You can pick up your journal and write in it at any time of day or in any place. You don’t have to wait for an appointment to discuss your issues, you don’t have to wait until someone is home to talk and you can deal with the feelings that emerge right now.

Clarity – The beauty of writing is that it usually brings clarity to the situation you are distressed by. You don’t have a word count and you can write freely until your thoughts dry up.

Anger management – If you are feeling really angry but are looking for alternative ways to manage your anger, journalling is an excellent tool. You can write in large letters, use swear words, or draw pictures to represent the things you are angry about. It hurts nobody unless you allow others to view it!

Find your feelings – When people begin to journal, they often start by writing about events that occur in their day. Gradually when they become more confident, they begin to release the emotions that they are feeling. Many people in recovery from an addiction can’t even name a feeling so this is a great tool in combination with using a feeling chart.

Cost effective – It’s much cheaper than a counselling session as it is only the cost of the paper and pen.

Photo by Diego 3336

Safety is essential

I can’t stress this point enough. Written journals can be read by other people unless you take great care to think about your safety.

Write in code – If you are concerned about somebody discovering your secrets, then I would recommend that you use an initial or symbol that you know refers to your secret. So for example if you are having an affair and you don’t want your partner to discover this, then you could use their initial or a letter of the alphabet so that you can distinguish between your lover and your spouse when you re-read your journal entries.

Hiding place – Keep your journal hidden in a place that family members would not think to look. This also applies if you live alone and have a cleaner, for example.

Password Protected – If you journal on the computer make sure you have everything password protected or if doing it online encrypted so that your private information does not fall into the wrong hands!

Locked Journal – You can buy journals with locks on. Make sure you keep the key in a safe place!

To order or view a selection of locked journals

Top tips on Journalling

1. Date each entry. This is really useful when you read back over entries. Some people keep their journals for years and it is a wonderful way to see yourself change. If you are in recovery from binge eating, you will be amazed at how your thought process changes, even in a few weeks.
2. Daily entry – Write in your journal every day. This gets you in practice and the more you do it the better you will be at journalling. Gradually you will be able to name your feelings.
3. Write until you dry up – If an issue is really bothering you, just keep writing until you have nothing else to say. The issue does have a start and an end, so I will guarantee you will not write forever.
4. Pictures – Draw pictures of your thoughts. Some times it is easier to express yourself visually rather than through words. You are not taking an art exam so it doesn’t matter if a five-year old could draw better.
5. Vital information – record this next to the date if you have something specific you are working on, for example

• Weight
• Cigarettes smoking
• Amount of debt
• Level of depression

Photo by Futureshape

Are you resistant?

Here are some common excuses not to journal.

No time – It takes no more than 2 – 3 minutes to write in your journal. Are you really telling me that you don’t have the time?

Nothing to write – This isn’t a journal that you are going to make an exciting film from. This is about your emotional life, your thoughts, your feelings.

Afraid to make mistakes – you can’t make a mistake. Nobody is going to correct you on your spelling, your sentence structure or anything else. The only mistake would be to not have a go.

Can’t be bothered – Perhaps you need to start looking at your apathy before you look at making any changes. If you can’t be bothered then nothing is going to change. As they say if you keep doing what you keep doing, you will keep getting what you keep getting.

]]> http://bingesolutions.com/2011/its-quick-and-easy-but-do-you-do-it/feed/ 0 http://bingesolutions.com/2011/feeling-chart/ http://bingesolutions.com/2011/feeling-chart/#comments Fri, 30 Sep 2011 05:39:20 +0000 Alison Jenkins http://bingesolutions.com/?p=231 Continue reading →]]> Did you know there are lots of different feelings? Have you ever thought about all the feelings you experience each day. Why not spend one day and mark all the feelings that you feel. If you feel them twice then put another mark. It’s a great way to learn about yourself. In early recovery from an addiction this is a very useful exercise as you learn to name the feelings.

Photo by Wrote

Photo by Editor B

Reasons why you agree to do things

Self-esteem – Do you say “yes” to everything as it increases your self-esteem and a feeling that you are a good person? On the one hand it may raise your self-esteem but in reality you end up feeling resentful, hurt and used because you find yourself in situations you don’t want to be in.

Fear – Are you frightened of what would happen if you dared to stand up to someone and say NO? You may shock them initially as they probably have come to expect you always to say YES. Is your fear a reality or is it about what you perceive would happen? I love the acronym of FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

People pleasing – Are you one of life’s people pleasers? Will you do anything and everything to keep someone happy, but ignore your own needs which will ultimately become detrimental to your health and mental wellbeing.

What will others think – Do you think that others have expectations of you and worry about what they would think or say about you? Why does it trouble you so much what people think? A great positive affirmation to say to yourself is “What other people think about me is none of my business”.

Photo by Inno’vision

How to say No politely

• The helpful part of me would like to say yes, but the rest of me is overcommitted
• I wish I could help you, but I’m overcommitted at the moment
• Sorry I am already booked
• Thanks for inviting me, but I am too tired today
• I have an appointment already on that day
• That’s not something I would enjoy, but thanks you for thinking of me

How to stall for time to think

Sometimes instead of giving an instant response, it is best time to think about the decision. This takes practice for people who always automatically say YES to everything. Here are some ways that you can stall for time:-

• I don’t know, I will have to think about that
• That is something I will have to think about
• I don’t have my calendar with me, so I will call and let you know tomorrow
• That sounds interesting. I will have a think about it

Photo by Julianmeade

Be Clear and Specific

When you are learning to say NO, make sure that you are very clear about what you are saying “no” to. Be specific instead of vague. Don’t make general statements or ones which can be misinterpreted.